What Should I Do?

Here are some of the things I've heard in the last month since you arrived.

          ~ "Does the baby keep you from getting your work done during the day?"

          ~ "You'll be sorry you held her so much when she's spoiled and too big for you to                     do that."

          ~ "What do you do all day?"

          ~ "Have you tried just letting her cry?"

          ~ "You're not nursing?"

          ~ "I can't believe you don't have her on a feeding and sleeping schedule."

          ~ Various sentences that start with, "You should...", "You shouldn't...", "Why haven't                  you...?", etc.

I won't be so arrogant as to say that I don't want any advice.  I've had some good suggestions that have worked really well for us.  But, for once in my life, I am not going to give in to the guilt that comes with having a severe case of the "shoulds" and worrying about what everyone else things about what I do.

Here's why.

You, my sweet girl, are my job and my responsibility.  Regardless of what else I do or don't do, I am here to keep you safe and taken care of and reasonably happy.  When you have days like today when you need to be held and snuggled most of the day, that's what I will do.  Gladly.  You aren't keeping me from getting my work done.  You ARE my work.

I will never be sorry that I held you so much.  Every day is a reminder of how quickly time is passing and how soon you will be too old to want to snuggle with your mommy.  Every day I look at you to see how much you grew overnight and how much closer you are to being all grown up and setting out on your own in the world.  As long as you aren't in pain on those snuggly days, I will rejoice in every minute of them.

The hard part about these conversations is that every one of these people really are trying to help and want what is best for you.  What they are forgetting is that I am the luckiest woman in the world because God gave you to me, not them.  That means it is my responsibility to protect you, even from all those good intentions.

Especially from all those good intentions.

So, there will be no letting you cry it out; or making you wait to eat, even though you are clearly hungry, because it isn't the scheduled time; or making you take a pacifier instead of sucking your thumb, even though you find that extremely soothing.

There will be naps when you're tired, even if it's not the most convenient time; and lots of snuggles, even when there's laundry and dishes waiting to be washed; and laughs about your daddy letting you run around the house with no pants after every time he changes your diaper; and way too many pictures of you on Face Book because I'm so proud of you that I can't stand to not share them with our friends and family who are too far away to see you as often as they would like.

Sometimes, there will be nights like tonight, when you fall asleep on my lap and I leave you there long after I should have put you in your bed and I won't be one bit sorry.

Because, precious daughter of mine, the most important part of my job as your mom is to make sure you are loved.  As long as I have breath in my body, I will do my best to make sure that you know how much you are adored and treasured.

Sleep well, darling princess.  We can do the laundry tomorrow.

Love,

Mom

My Happy Thought

Dear sweet daughter, there are so many milestones that I meant to record in this blog for you. Over the last few months, we've been doing our best to take care of Pappaw and it has taken a lot of time and energy and I haven't written down as much as I wanted to.

I want you to know that your Pappaw loves you so much.  From the very beginning when I told him you were coming, he was determined that he was getting a granddaughter.  Even when I told him that I really thought I was having a boy - sorry, kiddo, I missed that call - he kept saying, "Nope, sounds like a Dennison girl to me."  When he got sick and went the hospital the first time and we came to see him, he randomly called me over to the side of his bed when no one else was listening just so that he could rub my belly and tell you he loved you.  Every night that we were there that visit, he had to rub my belly and tell you goodnight.

I wish so much that I could see him hold you, his precious granddaughter that he couldn't wait to show to everyone.  But it doesn't look like that is the plan.

I wish that I could tell you what an amazing person your Pappaw Rick is - and I'm not just saying that because he's my daddy.  But there aren't enough words.

I wish that I could make him all better so that he could be here for you to take you shooting and to teach you about how things work and to tell you to put new tires on your car because winter is coming.  But I can't do that either.

What I can promise you is this.  I will tell you all the stories I can remember about your Pappaw and the life he lived.  I will laugh with you and cry with you when I look back over the crazy things he did when I was your age.  I will teach you all the important things that he taught me.  I will honor him through you.

For many days and months we've been praying for God to heal Pappaw for us so that he could stay here.  But here's a lesson you will need to know for later in life.  Your Pappaw Rick used to tell me all the time that God always answers prayer, but sometimes the answer is no - and sometimes the answer is, "No, but I have something better."

My precious miracle, I think that's the answer that God is giving us this time.  We selfishly want Pappaw to be here with us.  But, this life was never meant to be permanent.  We are all on a journey that, if we are faithful, will end with our eternal healing and a huge reunion with those who have gone on before us.  While we will be sad that Pappaw isn't here, there are so many waiting for him in heaven who can't wait to see him again.  It feels like God is telling us no because we aren't getting to keep Pappaw, but what God is giving Pappaw is so much better. You have an amazing legacy, sweetheart, and I can't wait to tell you all about every person who is waiting for us on the other side.

I've been telling people that you must be an awesome kid because we've gotten a lot of bad news since we found out that God sent you to us and it was taking a lot of bad news to balance how wonderful you are.  Over the last few days, I've realized that I had it all wrong.  Baby girl, I think that God sent you to us when He did because he knew that this was coming and we needed something happy to get us through.  One of these days, we will watch the movie Hook and you will understand what I'm about to tell you.

You, most wanted of babies, are my happy thought.

No matter how bad things have been, no matter how many tears I've shed, all I had to do to know that things are still right with the world is to rub my belly and think about you in there stretching and growing and getting ready to join us.

I love you, my precious angel.  Thank you for being my sunshine.

Love,
Mom

There You Are!

Today was one of the most exciting days of my life and you are the reason, my precious daughter.  It wasn't because I woke up at 2 am to throw up...again.  It wasn't because I stayed home from work because I was still sick at 10am.  It wasn't because I slept most of the day. Those things have become extremely commonplace.

Today was the first time I felt you moving around in your little temporary home.

At first, I thought I had imagined it.  I've been waiting for weeks to feel you.  There were times that I worried if you were still ok.  But, I saw you on your last picture day doing your acrobatics.  Last week, when I saw the doctor, I heard your heartbeat again.  (That never gets any less amazing, by the way.)  Every time I had even a slight muscle twitch, I wondered, "Was that it?".

And then, today, there you were and there was no doubt about whether it was you or not.

You might not know this yet, but you will soon enough.  Your daddy is probably the most tender-hearted man you will ever meet.  Your Pappaw Rick is right up there, too.  I hope and pray that one day you find a husband just like them - a man who loves you so much that when you tell him you felt his baby move for the first time that he cries and immediately starts talking to her.  I promise you that you will never feel more loved than you will at that moment.  Don't settle for anyone who can't give you that.  You deserve that and so much more, my sweet girl.  Please don't ever forget that.

Good night, my darling.  Keep squirming and kicking your little legs so you'll be nice and strong when you get here - and to remind your mama that everything is still ok.  I love you more than I ever imagined I could and count the days until I get to meet you and see who you will become.

Love,
Mom

Another Milestone

Tomorrow is a big milestone for you, my little miracle.  Tomorrow makes four whole months you have been squirming around in there making your mama nauseous and tired and overjoyed.  Only 24 weeks to go until we get to meet you.  I'm also happy to report that today was the third day in a row that I wasn't sick at all.  I love you, sweet pea, and every bit of nausea and vomiting is worth it to get you here.  But I am really happy to see that phase go.

We got a call last night that your Pappaw is in the hospital.  He's not very good at taking care of himself because he spends all of his time worrying about everyone else and taking care of them, so he's pretty sick.  It is really hard for me to stay here instead of going to be with him at the hospital.  But right now, I'm the only one in the whole world who can take care of you.  So, for now, we are going to stay here away from the germs and let Mimi and Uncle Ben take care of Pappaw this time.  But we can pray for him before we go to sleep.

I know that you will proudly carry your daddy's last name.  However, my precious girl, you will also be a Dennison woman.  And that means something.  That's the reason why it is so hard for me to stay here instead of going to Pennsylvania to help take care of Pappaw. Dennison women are brave and fierce and we love with our whole hearts.  We take care of our families.  We stand up for people who can't stand up for themselves. We don't shut up when we see injustice in the world.  We just keep yelling until someone listens and things change. We may argue with each other, but we stick together no matter what.

That is your heritage, my darling little fireball.  It's a good one.  Embrace it.  Enjoy it.  But you must always remember - there is a great responsibility that goes along with being such a strong woman.  You should only use your power for good, never for evil.  It would be easy to turn into a bully or a mean girl if you aren't careful.  There will come a day when you have a bad day and hurt some one's feelings when you don't mean to because you are used to speaking your mind.  That's OK.  No one is perfect.  Apologize and mean it.  Make sure that you learn from your mistake and try to do better the next time.

Good night, sweet princess.  Sleep well and dream of the dragons you will slay when you are old enough.

Love,
Mom

14 Weeks and Counting

I love you.

You are beautiful.

Your dad and I have prayed for you for a long time.

I cannot wait to meet you and see who you become.

These are just a few of the things that I can't wait to tell you when you come into the world.

I know that I've only been carrying you for 14 weeks, but you've been in my heart much longer than that, my precious daughter.  After years of seeing doctor after doctor, I had almost given up.  But, then...there you were.  Most people wait until about 12 weeks to start telling people their good news.  I couldn't wait.  I had to tell some people as soon as I found out.  You are just too much of a miracle to keep secret.

For the first few weeks, I fell asleep every time I sat down.  It's a big job growing a tiny person.  But eventually, I adjusted.  You haven't caused too many cravings yet like most babies do.  At first, we only wanted to eat mashed potatoes and chocolate.  For the last few weeks, pineapple has been our favorite snack.  I wonder if these will be some of your favorite foods later.

Your daddy and sister and brother can't wait to meet you.  They don't get to hang out with you all the time like I do.  This I can promise you, my darling child - your father is madly in love with you already.  When I fell asleep tonight, he was laying with his cheek on my belly telling you a bedtime story.  I couldn't hear him and when I asked what it was about, he told me it was private, just between the two of you.  This is what you have to look forward to when you arrive.

Good night, sweet baby.  Sleep well.

Love,
Mom